So, yesterday was Mothers’ Day and it was the most awful day of my year! Why is it that I always end up feeling like a terrible mother no matter how hard I try, how patient I try to be patient or attentive to everyone else’s need, or how much I put myself last? The worst thing in the world, or should I say one of the worse, is why my child is hurt or going through something painful and I cannot help him/her. The helplessness I feel having to watch my child in emotional pain, struggling with anxiety, depression, ADHD, rejection or failure is excruciating!
As a mom, your children look to you to make things all better. From the time they are little and come to you with a boo boo, you are their hero. You are the person who knows everything and how to make everything alright- you are Wonder Woman!
And then as they are getting older and they pull away from you and you do not know what the heck you are talking about. ”You can’t possibly understand what I am going through. The world is different today and I am under a lot of pressure!” And then comes the silence and isolation. How can you help someone who doesn’t want to be helped? How can you comfort them and possibly make it all better?
Thus starts the vicious cycle of “I don’t need you! Get away from me! It’s all your fault! and I hate you!” And as your child reiterates this over and over, you feel like a piece of crap! You have failed as a parent. What did I do to cause this to happen to my child? Did I yell too much? Did I not yell enough? Was it because I worked too much and didn’t stay home? Did I not buy enough stuff? Did I buy too much stuff? Am I too strict? Am I no strict enough?
Then society steps in with it’s judgments, as if I already don’t feel like the amoeba, on a flea that’s on the belly of a snake being dragged through the mud. When a child or adult goes to jail for something they did- it’s because of something the parents did or didn’t do. Your friend who doesn’t have kids seems to think that she knows exactly what you should do with your child, whom she does not have to live with day in and day out. The older ladies in the church can always tell you what you need to do because it worked for their child. You see a woman who is always smiling and her family is the picture perfect family that you thought you would have. You think that everyone in the world knows what a bad parent you are and you know for a fact that you should have never even had kids.
LIGHT BULB! Finally I get it; but actually I knew it all of the time. DUH! I am not perfect and I never will be. I try hard to be a great mom and I love my family! I may not be able to completely help my child and make it all better but I can support him/her and try to teach them how to overcome their challenges- sometimes by tough love and sometimes by tender love. Love is the always answer. I may not have to like their actions, situations, choices, etc. And I don’t have to love them, but I CHOOSE to love them and I show it.
My biggest challenge is learning to love myself too. I have to take care of myself and care about what happens to me. I have to support myself and cut myself some slack! Because we all know that that perfect mom with the perfect family down the road is not perfectly happy either. She probably feels the same way too! I have to give myself credit for what I have done and continue to be loving, supportive and have faith to know that I cannot control everything or anything. I need to love and be loved. I need to accept all of me as a parent and stop allowing others to make me feel bad about being me!
I am taking my power back, pickup my golden lasso again! I will do all that I can do for me and my family. I will care about myself as much as I care for them and nurture my own confidence as a mom. Because I can be Wonder Woman – maybe just in my own mind; and in my own mind I look hot in that outfit.
(Copyright by SD Wolff 2013)
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